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Why Do I Keep Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners?
- Emily Turinas
- Apr 8
- 11 min read
You want a close, committed relationship. You're clear about that. But somehow, you keep ending up with partners who only want to see you on weekends. Or who won't have the conversation about what you actually are to each other. Or who say they're "not ready for something serious right now" but keep texting you at midnight.
And the question that keeps you up at 2am is: Why do I keep doing this?
If you're Googling this question, you're probably past the point of thinking it's bad luck. You've started to notice a pattern. Maybe you've even joked with friends that you have a "type"—and that type is always unavailable.
Here's what I want you to know: this isn't about bad luck, and it's not a character flaw. There's a reason you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners. And once you understand that reason—really understand it, not just intellectually but at a deeper level—you can start making different choices.
In This Article:
It's Not Bad Luck—You're Playing a Role
I know that's hard to hear. It sounds like blame. But it's actually the opposite of blame—it's agency.
When I work with women in Austin who are struggling with this pattern, one of the first things we explore is this: if you keep choosing the same type of partner, what are you getting out of it?
"Even painful patterns serve a purpose. They're familiar. They're comfortable in a strange way. And on some level, they're reinforcing something you learned a long time ago about how relationships work."
I don't mean that you're consciously choosing to suffer. I mean that even painful patterns serve a purpose. They're familiar. They're comfortable in a strange way. And on some level, they're reinforcing something you learned a long time ago about how relationships work.
Think about it: people don't keep doing something unless they're getting something out of it. Even if that something is just the comfort of repeating a pattern that feels familiar.
Key Takeaways:
Choosing emotionally unavailable partners isn't bad luck—it's a pattern rooted in early relationship experiences
Family of origin dynamics teach you what love "feels like," even if that feeling is painful
The pattern serves a purpose: it's familiar, it protects you from real intimacy, or it recreates what you're unconsciously trying to resolve
Surface-level awareness ("I know my dad was unavailable") doesn't create change—healing the underlying wound does
Individual relationship therapy helps you understand WHY you choose unavailable partners so you can make genuinely different choices
Where This Pattern Actually Comes From
In my practice, I see a few common threads in why women keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners. And almost always, it starts with family of origin.
The model you learned early on
How you learned to connect with others—how you learned what love looks like, what's safe, what's dangerous, what you're allowed to need—all of that came from your earliest relationships. Usually your parents or caregivers.
If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable—whether they were physically absent, emotionally distant, depressed, addicted, or just checked out—you learned a very specific model of love. You learned that love means working hard for someone's attention. That closeness is unpredictable. That you have to earn affection. That wanting too much will push people away.
And now, as an adult, you're unconsciously seeking out that same dynamic. Not because you want to suffer, but because it's what feels like love to you. It's familiar.
Recreating what you know
Sometimes the partners you choose mirror your early relationships in very specific ways. The parent who was loving one day and cold the next. The parent who was there but never really there. The parent you could never quite reach.
You're not trying to recreate that pain. You're trying to resolve it. On some unconscious level, you're hoping that this time, if you do it right, you'll finally get the love and attention you couldn't get back then.
But here's the thing: you're picking partners who can't give you what you need. So the pattern just repeats.
Not feeling worthy of available love
Sometimes the pattern isn't about recreating the past—it's about what you believe you deserve.
If you grew up feeling like you weren't enough, like love was conditional, like you had to perform or achieve or be perfect to be valued, you might not actually believe you're worthy of someone who shows up fully.
So when you meet someone who is available, interested, and consistent, it feels wrong. It doesn't match your internal model. And you either lose interest, sabotage it, or convince yourself they're "too nice" or "boring."
Meanwhile, the person who's pulling away, who's ambivalent, who keeps you guessing? That feels like a challenge. That feels like something you have to earn. And earning love feels familiar.
The Common Patterns I See
Here are some of the ways this shows up in the therapy room:
The weekend-only relationship
You want closeness and commitment. But you keep ending up with someone who only wants to hang out on weekends. During the week, they're "too busy" with work, friends, hobbies, their startup, their band, their dissertation. You tell yourself it's fine, that they're just independent. But deep down, you know you want more—and you're not getting it.
The person who won't commit
You've been seeing each other for months. Maybe even a year. But when you try to have the "what are we?" conversation, they dodge it. They say they're "not ready to label things" or they "don't believe in defining relationships" or they "just want to see where it goes." You stay because you're hoping they'll change their mind. But they don't.
The hot-and-cold dynamic
One week, they're all in. Texting constantly, making plans, talking about the future. The next week, they're distant. They cancel plans, go quiet, pull away. You never know which version you're going to get. And the inconsistency keeps you hooked—because when they're close, it feels so good. You're always chasing that high.
The "not over their ex" situation
They're technically single. But emotionally, they're still tied to someone else. Maybe they talk about their ex constantly. Maybe they're "still figuring things out." Maybe they say they want to be with you but they're "not ready yet." You wait. You stay. You hope. But nothing changes.
When I ask clients what keeps them returning to these patterns, the answers vary. But underneath, there's usually a version of the same thing:
It feels familiar. Even if it's painful, it's the kind of pain you know. Available love feels foreign, unfamiliar, maybe even boring.
You're trying to fix the past. If you can just get this person to choose you, it will prove that you were worthy all along. It will undo the original wound.
You don't believe you deserve better. On some level, you think this is the best you can get. Or you think wanting more is asking for too much.
You're getting something out of it. Maybe it's the thrill of the chase. Maybe it's the way unavailable people keep you at a safe distance (so you don't have to be vulnerable either). Maybe it's the validation when they do show up, even if it's rare.
Not Sure If You Need Therapy for This?
If you're reading this and thinking "This sounds like me, but I'm not sure if therapy would help," let's talk. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where we can discuss what you're experiencing and whether individual relationship therapy might be a good fit.
Schedule Your Free Call No pressure. No commitment. Just a conversation about your patterns and whether this work makes sense for you.
"But I Already Know Why I Do This"
I hear this a lot. "I know my dad was emotionally unavailable. I know I'm repeating that pattern. So why doesn't it stop?"
"Knowing the story isn't the same as healing the wound. Surface-level understanding doesn't change the feeling of what love is supposed to be."
You might know, intellectually, where this pattern comes from. You might be able to explain it at a dinner party. But that surface-level understanding doesn't change the feeling of what love is supposed to be. It doesn't change the unconscious pull toward what's familiar.
Real change happens when you go deeper. When you understand not just what happened in your past, but how it shaped the way you see yourself, the way you move through relationships, and what you're really seeking when you choose unavailable partners.
That's the work of therapy. Not just identifying the pattern, but understanding the role these relationships play in your life. What comfort they provide. What they protect you from. What you'd have to face if you chose differently.
How Individual Relationship Therapy Helps
This is where individual therapy—not couples therapy, but one-on-one work focused on your patterns—becomes essential.
"Real change happens when you understand not just WHAT happened in your past, but how it shaped the way you see yourself, the way you move through relationships, and what you're really seeking."
In our work together, we explore:
The comfort you're getting from unavailable partners
What does this pattern protect you from? Intimacy? Vulnerability? The risk of being truly seen? Sometimes choosing unavailable people is a way to stay safe—because if they're not all in, you don't have to be either.
The wounds that need healing
It's not enough to know your parent was unavailable. We go deeper: What did that teach you about your worth? About what you're allowed to need? About what love looks like? And how is that showing up now?
Sometimes women have been so focused on getting unavailable people to choose them that they've never stopped to ask: What do I actually want? What does a healthy relationship look like for me?
How to stand up for yourself
Once you understand the role these relationships play and what you truly need, we work on standing up for yourself in real time. That means having hard conversations. Setting boundaries. Leaving when someone isn't meeting your needs—even if it feels uncomfortable.
The Path Forward
Breaking this pattern isn't about willpower. It's not about "just choosing better." If it were that simple, you would have done it already.
It's about understanding yourself at a level deep enough that you can see the pattern while it's happening—and choose differently. Not because you're forcing yourself, but because you genuinely want something different.
That takes time. It takes insight. And it takes a willingness to look at the parts of yourself you might have been avoiding.
But here's what I see happen in therapy: once women really understand why they choose unavailable partners, and once they start to believe they're worthy of more, the pull toward unavailable people starts to fade. Available people start to feel less boring and more... appealing. Safe, even.
And that's when real change becomes possible.
Frequently Asked Questions About Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners
How do I know if someone is emotionally unavailable?
Emotionally unavailable partners typically show consistent patterns: they avoid deep conversations about feelings or the future, they keep you at arm's length even after months of dating, they're inconsistent (hot and cold), they won't commit or define the relationship, and they prioritize everything else (work, hobbies, friends) over building intimacy with you. If you feel like you're always chasing connection and never quite getting it, that's a red flag.
Can emotionally unavailable people change?
Yes, but only if they want to change and are willing to do the work—usually in therapy. The key question isn't whether they can change, but whether they will. And more importantly: are you willing to wait around hoping they'll change, or are you ready to work on why you keep choosing people who aren't available in the first place? That's the work you can control.
Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable partners?
Attraction to emotionally unavailable people usually stems from early relationship patterns. If you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents or caregivers, that dynamic feels like "love" to you—even if it's painful. You're unconsciously drawn to what's familiar. Sometimes it's also about not feeling worthy of available love, or about keeping yourself safe from real intimacy by choosing people who can't get too close.
How do I stop choosing emotionally unavailable partners?
Breaking this pattern requires more than just "choosing better." You need to understand why you're drawn to unavailable people in the first place—what purpose it serves, what it protects you from, and what early wounds it's connected to. Individual therapy focused on attachment patterns and family of origin work helps you understand yourself deeply enough to make genuinely different choices, not just force yourself to pick someone "better" on paper.
Is choosing emotionally unavailable partners a sign of anxious attachment?
It can be, but not always. Women with anxious attachment often pursue emotionally unavailable partners because the distance creates the anxiety they're used to—and when the partner does show up, it provides intense relief and validation. But avoidant attachment can also lead to choosing unavailable partners, because keeping emotional distance feels safer. Sometimes it's a combination. Understanding your specific attachment style helps clarify why this pattern shows up for you.
Should I try to fix the relationship with my emotionally unavailable partner?
That depends on whether they're willing to work on themselves—and whether you're using "fixing the relationship" as a way to avoid looking at your own patterns. If your partner isn't interested in therapy or change, you're likely spinning your wheels. Even if they are willing, you still need to understand why you chose them in the first place. Individual therapy helps you figure out what you actually want and whether this relationship can ever meet your needs.
How is individual relationship therapy different from couples therapy?
Individual relationship therapy focuses on YOUR patterns, YOUR attachment style, and YOUR relationship history—you come alone. It's about understanding why you choose who you choose, how your past shapes your present, and how to build capacity for healthier relationships. Couples therapy works on the dynamic between two people. If you keep choosing unavailable partners, individual work is usually the starting point, whether you're currently in a relationship or not.
How long does it take to break this pattern in therapy?
It varies, but this isn't a quick fix. Depth-oriented work takes time because we're not just changing behavior—we're understanding the unconscious patterns driving it. Some clients start noticing shifts within a few months; for others, it takes longer. The goal isn't just to "stop choosing bad partners" but to fundamentally understand yourself differently. That kind of change is lasting, but it requires patience and commitment.
Do emotionally unavailable people know they're emotionally unavailable?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Some people are very aware they're not capable of intimacy right now but they pursue relationships anyway. Others genuinely don't see it—they think you're too needy or demanding. Either way, whether or not they recognize it doesn't change your situation. The question is: why are you staying with someone who can't meet your needs, and what does that say about what you believe you deserve?
Can therapy help if I've been single for a long time because I only attract unavailable people?
Absolutely. In fact, being single while you do this work is often ideal because you can focus entirely on understanding your patterns without the distraction of trying to "fix" a current relationship. Therapy helps you understand why you're attracted to unavailable people and why available people might feel "boring" or "too much." Once you shift that internal dynamic, the people you're attracted to—and who are attracted to you—will start to look different.
Ready to Understand Your Patterns?
If you're tired of repeating the same relationship dynamics and you're ready to do the deeper work of understanding why—not just so you can explain it, but so you can actually change it—let's talk.
I'm Dr. Emily Turinas, a licensed psychologist in Austin specializing in individual relationship therapy for women. I work with women who want to understand their attachment patterns, explore how their past shapes their present, and build the capacity for healthier relationships.
I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation where we can talk about what you're experiencing, and I can share more about how depth-oriented therapy works.
You're not broken. You're not unlucky. You're repeating a pattern that made sense at some point in your life. And with the right support, you can break it.
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About the Author
Dr. Emily Turinas is a licensed psychologist in Austin, Texas specializing in individual relationship therapy, attachment patterns, and depth-oriented psychodynamic work with women in their 20s and 30s. As a UT Austin PhD graduate and Austin native, she brings both clinical expertise and deep understanding of the unique challenges facing women in Austin. Dr. Turinas offers in-person therapy near Zilker Park and virtual therapy throughout Texas and 40+ states.
